Loot Recap: Top Model
Aww, baby’s first drug-fueled runway freak-out.
We don’t deserve Maya Rudolph. We just don’t. The level of physical comedy she is giving us, actual peasants, in this episode (directed by Claire Scanlon and written by April Korto Quioh) is unmatched. Throughout the two unhinged montages in “Women Who Rule,” in which Rudolph is laying it all out there, I kept thinking, My ding-dong eyes do not deserve to see this. But, thankfully, Apple TV+ doesn’t have a policy against ding-dong eyes (yet), and I do get to watch it because season two of Loot has really been all hits, no misses, and this latest episode continues in that tradition.
Molly’s still out and about trying to drum up good press about Space for Everyone, a name that the host of daytime talk show The Cup calls “sexy.” When she gets asked to walk in a special L.A. Fashion Week show themed “Women Who Rule,” the whole gang is pretty pumped, both because it’ll be great PR for their program and they’ll get to go to a fancy fashion show. Nicholas is beside himself, really: “This makes sitting here every day surrounded by this rat king of mediocrity worth it.” Molly acts like she’s on the fence for a minute, mostly to force a few compliments from her staff, but come on, you could see she was genuinely flattered when Arthur tells her she’d be great at it. She’s got it so bad for this guy! Now, will those feelings change if she ever learns that Arthur describes John Legend’s music as “pretty out-there stuff?” I mean, possibly. Most people would.
Molly is in for the fashion show and seems to feel pretty great about it. All of that changes the moment her stylist assumes Howard is her son. Molly proceeds to have a mental and physical breakdown that is truly a sight to behold. The way she short-circuits while assuring the stylist the mistake is “no big whoop, girlfriend?” A delight. For us. Obviously, Molly is but a shell of her former self.
Molly starts to spiral: She’s usually totally good with her age, but sometimes, like when a 20-something named Patricia mistakes a 40-year-old for her son, she’s reminded that she “wasted [her] hottest bikini years on that asshole” John. Howard and Nicholas try to console her, but they’re terrible at it. Howard keeps calling her Mommy, and Nicholas tries to relate a story about this time a waiter mistook his date as his father, but then Nicholas remembers that he was “calling him Daddy and sitting on his lap and he was burping [him],” so actually, it doesn’t apply here.
When Molly laments not being able to get her youth back, Nicholas talks some sense into her. And by “sense,” I mean he reminds her that J.Lo “has been 30 for the last 25 years,” and Molly can be, too — she’s a billionaire, she can do anything. So Nicholas takes her on a reverse-aging journey that he admits might make her shit her pants and will definitely make her cry. What ensues is a full minute of high art. Her nipples are freezing. Her nipples are melting. Nicholas is force-feeding her “dolphin collagen,” which he tells her they definitely don’t get by killing dolphins, but in a way that you know they definitely do. I want to watch it on a loop for the next week. I’ve written about how one of Loot’s superpowers is how it can pair up any two characters and get comedic gold, but I’m so glad it keeps coming back to the unbeatable combo of Maya Rudolph and Joel Kim Booster. It’s too good, how could you not?
Nicholas makes good on his promise and delivers Molly to the fashion show looking like a goddamned baby seal. She is glowing. But, as anyone could’ve guessed, the looks aren’t really the confidence problem here. She’s still beside herself with anxiety that she doesn’t fit in with these models. She may smile and nod when one of the girls tells her to “drop that skin-care routine, or I will slit your fucking throat,” but, man, is she sweating it out as she tries to keep up. She tries to join a few girls for some TikTok dances but immediately confesses to Nicholas that she needs a doctor for her bones. Finally, when she’s about to hit the runway, one of the girls, Tina, sees how nervous she is and offers her a cute little pink pill. It’s “mostly herbal” and will chill you out and also give you a ton of energy. All the girls are doing it.
Yeah, it’s definitely drugs. The cut from Molly absolutely killing it on the runway in her head to how she looks in reality — sweaty, high, definitely not like a bird no matter how loud she “caw caws” — is perfect. From Deee-Lite’s “Groove Is in the Heart” to Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s “Shimmy Shimmy Ya”? It doesn’t get any better than that. By the time she is eating that woman’s purse and then passes out on the runway, you want to both look away and stand up and applaud.
Molly’s latest public humiliation, at the very least, helps her learn an important lesson. A nurse at the hospital where they take her to pump her stomach — “I’m a husk,” she tells Nicholas, who responds with an “Okay, goals” that is still making me giggle — recognizes her name on her chart. But it’s not because of something dumb she did that went viral or because of her money; it’s because this woman’s cousin is currently living at Space for Everyone, and he’s doing so well now because of it. “He keeps pushing through, kind of like you,” she tells Molly. When Molly responds with a self-deprecating joke about how many miles she has on her, the nurse tells her to be proud of them. In that moment, Molly realizes that is so much more satisfying than, say, hoping on Tina’s TikTok in the next hospital bed over, where she’s telling her followers about her first stomach pump of the season and that she’s “serving up emergency.” Molly’s had an a-ha moment: It is so much better on the other side.
A couple of other Wells Foundation friends are having moments of growth, too. Although I can’t condone Arthur seeking romance outside of Molly, I do understand that he doesn’t think Molly’s an option, and also, I’m not a monster; I want the best for the guy. He makes a big effort to up his style game before showing up to the event but winds up dressed in the exact same outfit as all the security guards are wearing. It winds up working in his favor, though: He has a sweet little meet-cute with a model named Willa. One can only hope this will force Molly to confront her feelings for him.
Even sweeter, though: We get a nice little subplot that checks in with Sofia and her relationship with Isaac. Things are going great — they are consistently pooping in the same location, which is apparently “bigger than ‘I love you’” — but when Isaac brings up getting a season pass to the Hollywood Bowl, Sofia freaks out. She tries to use her job as an excuse for not being able to commit to a relationship like this, but Isaac sees right through her. She’s scared of how serious this is getting, he tells her.
She doesn’t take the psychoanalysis well, tells Isaac to “chill out, Dr. Phil,” and then assumes when he says that they have a problem, he wants to break up. Later, at the show, she makes up this whole story about how it’s for the best. She may feel seen for the first time, and connecting with someone like that does make life better, but it is a one-way ticket to her getting her hopes up only for them to come crashing down. “That’s why I broke up with the most kind, loving, stable man I’ve ever been with. A man who likes to drink water and has a bed frame.”
If you’re screaming “Take that man back!” by this point, and you’ll be pleased to know that this breakup was one-sided. Isaac is waiting by Sofia’s door to cook her dinner that night. He thought they just had a fight. They would talk about it and move on. He doesn’t want to break up. Sofia is so relieved. I’m really rooting for these two to make it. Yes, even if it means they need to commit to seeing Matchbox Twenty together in March.
Notes From a Group Talk Session
• Jessica St. Clair and Liz Cackowski are perfect as morning-show hosts who you have a sneaking suspicion might have done a little coke before going on-air. From the transition between Molly talking about helping the unhoused population in the city to them talking about unhousing their husbands for snoring and teeing up a segment called “Slut or What?” whose first subject is Justin Trudeau, they are so good.
• Nicholas discussing the morning-show appearance: “Have you seen that quarantine beard? Total slut.”
• “It’s all so glamorous. This feels like The Suite Life of Zack and Cody!” I’ll give you one guess as to who said this upon walking into the fashion show.
• Okay, but what machine was Howard putting Greek yogurt into?