Where is my husband’s backbone?
DEAR DEIDRE: My husband refuses to discuss any issues in our relationship, and I’m sick of it.
He prefers to bury his head in the sand, fooling himself that if he ignores a problem it will just go away.
I’m 58 and he’s 60. We’ve been together for 35 years and have two grown-up children, who have now left home.
Throughout our marriage, any problem we’ve had has gone unresolved.
If I’m upset about something he’s done, he either tells me to shut up or he just walks out the front door and doesn’t come back for hours until he’s sure I’ve calmed down.
He’s like this with money, health, the kids – everything. He can’t cope.
What usually happens is that I end up dealing with things myself.
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Now that we’re getting older, there are important things I need to discuss with him, like our wills.
He just storms off whenever I mention needing to talk.
I’m starting to hate him. It’s like living with a little boy.
What can I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband sounds like he’s never developed any type of coping mechanism.
He is like a kid – afraid of confrontation or anything that makes him uncomfortable. This avoidant attachment style may stem from his childhood.
Unfortunately, after 35 years, it will be hard for him to change, especially if he doesn’t accept he has an issue, but it is entirely possible.
Perhaps if he’s aware how strongly you feel, he may agree to have relationship counselling with you – try Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org.uk).
In the meantime talk to your children about your will, so they know what needs to be done.