Harriette Cole: My friend is blaming me, and I don’t think this is my fault
Plus: My husband and I had a civil heart-to-heart, but I suspect it was a one-time thing.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a huge falling-out with one of my best friends.
We hadn’t spoken for about three months until the other day, when we got together to talk. We shed a lot of tears and spoke our minds about what happened between us, but we didn’t find resolution.
I walked away feeling like I was being blamed for something that I don’t think was my fault.
I already forgave my friend for being what I thought was mean and callous to me during a tender time, but I’m not quite sure what to do next. I want us to be close again, but I struggle with how to get past the way she talked to me so judgmentally when I was having a hard time.
What do you recommend?
— Hurt
DEAR HURT: It sounds like you value your friendship more than holding a grudge. If that’s the case, you need to search your soul for the deepest level of forgiveness you can find.
You need to be able to forgive your friend for the things that hurt you. That means accepting her, flaws and all.
It also means that you need to protect yourself. When you are feeling vulnerable or tender, don’t go to her for solace. Perhaps she doesn’t have the capacity to offer that. Find another shoulder to cry on, or you may find yourself licking your wounds again. Rebuilding this friendship may take time.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just had a heart-to-heart conversation with my husband about our marriage, something I have been begging to have for years.
It was hard to listen to all of his complaints, but I did. I think he listened to me a little bit better than during normal conversations.
We have been at an impasse in our relationship for a long time, pretty much retreating to our own corners of our house, hardly talking to each other when it’s just the two of us.
We do have fun sometimes and put on a good face when we are spending time with other people, but mostly we are existing more than living. We certainly aren’t happy.
I have asked him to go to counseling for years. He always refuses.
My concern is that normally we argue. On that one day during our heart-to-heart we mostly were civil, but without professional intervention, I don’t know how we get to the other side of our difficulties.
— On the Battlefield
DEAR ON THE BATTLEFIELD: What if you get counseling by yourself? You cannot make your husband do anything, but if you don’t have the tools to communicate better with your husband on your own, a therapist may be able to help you find the words.
A mental health professional can guide you on a discovery tour of yourself — of your wants, needs, challenges and desires. You can gain insight into how your behavior impacts your life and his, how to identify your triggers and how to use tools to manage your emotions and your interactions with your husband.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.