My stalker found me at work like in Baby Reindeer – they stole my identity to humiliate me, I had to close my business
AN interior designer has revealed how she was harassed online by a stalker who forced her to move out of her house and close her business.
Amanda Foster received 20 to 50 emails a day, nasty comments on social media, hundreds of direct messages from fake accounts, and packages sent to her address at the height of the abuse.
The level of harassment was similar to that seen in the hit Netflix drama Baby Reindeer, which is based on comedian Richard Gadd’s experience with a convicted stalker.
“I’m very appreciative of Baby Reindeer for highlighting the point that there are very deranged people out there with obsessive behaviors [who] are mentally ill,” she said.
Foster, who lives in downtown Sacramento, California, is the founder of Foster Decor Consulting.
She was only loosely connected to her stalker, who started harassing her in July 2020 amid the Covid-19 pandemic.
“You never know when someone is watching your every move and obsessing over your existence,” she said.
“Jealousy and insecurity [were] apparent, but, unfortunately, acts of disturbing mental behavior were the real driving forces behind it all in my case.
“I still cannot give this deranged human being the satisfaction of what they wanted, my attention — I won’t name them. But I do want to warn others.”
Every day, Foster received dozens of emails, prank call voicemails, and messages on social media from fake accounts, as well as sign-ups for various sites and services.
“Local businesses were calling to confirm the countless bookings made by someone impersonating me,” she said.
“I was told I’d applied to be a “not so pretty” pornographic model. I was signed up for consultations for plastic surgery, including breast enhancements and liposuction.
“My identity was stolen to attempt to start bulk orders of sex toys and condoms. Personal ads seeking men for sex were put out in my name,” she added.
“It was horrible and relentless; I received thousands of requests for contact over the course of nine months.”
Foster recalled receiving adoption letters saying she couldn’t conceive when she was secretly trying to get pregnant.
“We were trying at the time, [but] no one would have known but us, so it was really creepy and scary to receive those letters,” she said.
She noted that a lot of the scam calls involved local businesses, which added another layer to her humiliation.
There were moments that I didn’t want to get up out of bed since it was a never-ending spiral of harassment.
Amanda Foster
“It was so embarrassing to me that this was happening in my community, and I had to politely explain that I had a stalker impersonating me,” she said.
“I was so grateful when these businesses offered help.
“They sent screenshots of any information from the sign-up to add to my documentation to build evidence against the perpetrator.”
In addition to the ongoing harassment, her mother was hospitalized with near-fatal Covid-19 pneumonia.
Thankfully, her mom recovered and was sent home with oxygen two months later, but it “felt like things were just stacking up on top of each other.”
“There were moments that I didn’t want to get up out of bed since it was a never-ending spiral of harassment,” she explained.
Her stalker didn’t stop even on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day.
The abuse was so relentless she had to make the “devastating” decision to shut down her interior design business — Foster Decor | Edgy Interiors — and relocate for her safety.
“It was extremely difficult to hit pause and figure out a safe way to still be Foster Decor but without my harasser noticing,” she said.
“But my self-esteem was shattered, I was depressed, I couldn’t eat or sleep for some time. I finally had to move, which gave me some peace of mind. And a fresh start towards recovery and healing.”
With the help of her Sacramento community, she submitted her evidence to the police, and the abuse finally stopped in April 2021.
But it wasn’t until a court granted her a restraining order and compensation in February 2023 that she felt it was over.
“Can you imagine a terrible weekend of harassment? Or a week? How about nine months of daily harassment, which is 273 days,” she said.
Amanda Foster's five tips for protecting yourself from online harassment
1. Google yourself. Sounds dumb, but you’ll be surprised what public information you have out there [that is] just a click away. Get anything personal removed.
2. Check your personal social media platforms and make them private. It is best to keep your work and personal life separate. I have my private account like Fort Knox now that this happened. I do share some personal photos in my stories, occasionally on my business account, but try to remember business is separate.
3. Do not use your home address for your newsletter. Third-party apps like ActiveCampaign, Mailchimp, or MailerLite all require using an address. So instead of putting your home address, which shows [at] the bottom of the email, use a P.O. Box or co-working spot as your address. You never know when a disgruntled employee, client, or colleague might go rogue.
4. Do not list your location or address on your website in the footer or contact page … unless you have a brick-and-mortar store, of course. But I am trying to reach those who work from home and do not need to disclose this personal information.
5. Do not share your email publicly. You can have a contact form, which people can fill out that sends to your inbox. But having your email address listed publicly leaves you susceptible to a higher chance of being put on lists for spam.
6 Block and report. There is now a great feature on Facebook and Instagram where you can block a user, and it will also block any other new accounts that the user makes.
The court awarded Foster a three-year restraining order against her stalker, who had to pay her more than $4,000 in damages.
The defendant, who was sentenced to a year of probation, also had to serve 60 days of community service and attend 10 anger management classes.
“From start to end this ordeal was 959 days — that’s two years, seven months, and 14 days,” Foster said.
“For a long time, I was scared to put myself out there, but I finally feel ready to reclaim my space online after so long of feeling silenced.”
She explained that she poured all of her energy into creating a new business because her “former social media, website, and email all felt unsafe.”
Through Foster Decor Consulting, she supports other designers with their branding, business strategy, and growth with courses and one-on-one services.
“With this new business, I have found new success that has tripled my income,” she said.
“So there is a bit of a silver lining, but it wasn’t easy getting through this, enduring everything, and picking myself up and dusting off. It took a lot of work, sleepless nights, and resilience.”
Foster said the premise of Baby Reindeer is “similar to what happened” to her, but the story is “all in all very different.”
She could relate to the unrelenting amount of messages Donny (Gadd) received from his stalker, Martha (Jessica Gunning), a plot point that “hit close to home” for her.
Foster noted that Martha was “always trying to do things in that gray area that cops don’t take so seriously.”
Gadd’s real-life stalker, who was never named, sent him 41,071 emails, 350 hours of voice messages, 744 tweets, and 46 Facebook messages.
“I definitely could relate to how frustrating dealing with a stalker can be,” she said. “Because the law definitely doesn’t quite understand harassment or cyberbullying that isn’t physical.
“So it’s a lot easier for the court system to see some kind of altercation or physical abuse and be able to swiftly incarcerate.”
Foster hopes the hit series will bring more awareness and justice to victims like herself.
“I’ll never really understand why this happened to me,” she said. “[My stalker] never showed any remorse in court, just denial or pivoting their answers.
“Their motives were unclear, but [their] actions spoke volumes. How I fit in the picture for them to have taken it out on me, an innocent bystander — we’ll never know.”
