TheOnion.com

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the adorable abominations would not last long, Petco announced Thursday that all human-pig hybrids were on clearance at its retail locations across the country. “Starting today, customers can come in to any Petco store and buy a pink, humanoid pig-man or pig-woman at half price,” said Petco…

JOPLIN, MO—Though decades have passed since the incident that sealed his reputation through childhood and beyond, siblings of Dennis McKee told reporters Friday that their youngest brother’s status within the family continued to be that of the one who threw scissors at their mom one time. “Regardless of anything Denny…

Kicking off festivities leading up to the Summer Games in Paris, the Olympic torch arrived in Marseille where tens of thousands of onlookers watched as it was ceremonially transported from the port to the mainland. What do you think?

PHOENIX—Stressing over the first-time meeting all afternoon, local woman Lisa Stone reportedly felt nervous Friday about introducing her historically hard-to-please parents to her lousy lay. “This is huge—I’ve never brought home such an uncoordinated, selfish lover before,” a visibly antsy Stone said to a friend,…

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. stated that in 2010 after he experienced bouts of memory loss for which he sought neurological treatment, one of his doctors found evidence of a parasitic worm in his brain. What do you think?

Florida has passed a restrictive law that bans abortions after six weeks from a woman’s last menstrual period, before most women know they are pregnant. The Onion breaks down the numbers behind the state’s war on reproductive rights.

Citing their concerns about citizens’ privacy, a bipartisan group of senators is pushing to limit the use of facial recognition technology in airports, a rapidly expanding part of the check-in process. What do you think?

DENVER—Finding it an adequate substitute for the alcohol she used to consume during an evening of social drinking, local woman Candice Cooper told reporters Thursday that an $18 mocktail helped her satisfy the craving she still had to waste money. “It’s nice to have a drink that gives me that same experience of…

LOS ANGELES—Trying to blend in among a group of friends who wore homemade T-shirts expressing their enthusiasm for the program, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly played hooky Thursday as she sat in the Price Is Right studio audience and waited for taping of the game show to begin. “I hope no one from work…

NEW YORK—Discovering a new strategy to help him get through his hush money trial, former President Donald Trump reportedly draped his jacket over his head Wednesday so that nobody could tell he was sleeping in court. “It’s the perfect plan—people will assume I went under the jacket just to think a little bit more…