My Boyfriend Claims He Won’t Display My Picture at His Job Because That’s Something Only Husbands Do. WTF?

Dear Demetria:

My boyfriend has strong feelings about what is acceptable to do as a boyfriend and girlfriend versus what is acceptable as a husband and wife. Even though we live together, sleep together and have a child, he believes it’s inappropriate to have a picture of me displayed on his work desk because we are not married. I am offended. Am I reading too deep into this? —Anonymous

Wait. What?

I’m sorry, hon, but on this one, your boyfriend is full of crap. And a hypocrite. And he’s lying.

I agree that a husband-wife relationship is different from a boyfriend-girlfriend one. And if he were practicing his alleged belief system in the actual relationship, I would tell you to back off this one and let him breathe.

There are actually valid reasons that someone might not want to display a picture of his or her significant other at work. The photo invites questions and small talk. His co-workers would want to know who you were and the status of the relationship. Most boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are temporary. It’s understandable why he might not want to introduce the relationship at work, then later be in a position to answer questions about the relationship if it didn’t work out. If he had many girlfriends over a period of time, the pictures on his desk could begin to look like a rotating harem. It could make him look flaky to his colleagues. That’s a worthy concern.

I could have worked with his answer a lot better if he had said something about not wanting his colleagues in his personal business. If he was a consistently private guy and wanted to maintain that at work, I’d get it. But the excuse he gave? Lies. Lies. Lies.

He’s not practicing what he’s preaching. He’s living with you the way a husband does with a wife, and has a kid with you the way a husband does with a wife, but where he draws the line about what’s only for husbands is over a picture on his office desk? That reasoning doesn’t make any sense.

Let me tell you some reasons he won’t display your picture that make more sense, starting with this: He doesn’t see a future with you. And everything’s not OK, not even for the time being.

Think of it like this: You know how sometimes you’re in a funky part of a relationship and you have to make a commitment to something in the future—say, attending a friend’s wedding or a group trip? And you’re hesitant to commit to it because you don’t know if you’ll still be together and you don’t want to waste the money or show up alone? This is what he’s doing. He’s not “introducing” you in his workplace because despite living with you and having a child with you, he hasn’t decided how long you’ll be around as his significant other. He doesn’t want to invite questions from his colleagues about a woman he isn’t sure about.

He could also be embarrassed about his situation. A lot of people don’t care if you have kids out of wedlock or if you live with your significant other. But some people, especially members of older generations or those who are Christian, sometimes do. And they will start looking at you funny when you’re talking obvious b.s.

I will never forget the time my good friend showed up to a family gathering with his girlfriend and their two kids in tow, and the look of disdain my great-aunt gave him when she asked him why they weren’t married, and he tried to explain, “Well, we’re taking our time.” Her response: “Oh”­—and a blank stare of death. He might be trying to avoid that with his colleagues.

That leads to a greater question, which is really at the heart of your query: Why aren’t y’all married? You live together, you have your finances tied up together, you have a child together. What’s stopping you?

Another reason he might not want to display your picture at work is that he’s dating someone at his job, who knows nothing about his relationship with you. If she knows anything about you, he may have led her to believe that you’re “just” the mother of his child and he’s not in a romantic relationship with you. A picture on his desk would say otherwise.

I can’t tell you which one of these options is the actual reason he won’t put up your picture. But I can tell you with certainty that there is a much bigger reason he won’t do it beyond the pitiful excuse that he’s not your husband. You need to have a serious conversation about what’s going on in this relationship and why a man who thinks there are distinct rules for husbands versus boyfriends is content to have a girlfriend living like a wife with no actual marriage in sight. That should be your real concern, not the picture.

Demetria Lucas D’Oyley is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. She is also a blogger at SeeSomeWorld.com, where she covers pop culture and travel. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

Previously in Ask Demetria: “I’m Not Happy That My Boyfriend Wants to Celebrate My Birthday on the Cheap”

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