Harriette Cole: My boyfriend’s comments aren’t as subtle as he thinks
How can I get him to stop without showing how hurt I am?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend’s subtle comments about my weight are beginning to bother me.
While I don’t want to show that his remarks affect me, they do hurt.
Is there a way for me to address this issue with him without coming across as overly sensitive? I want to find a way to communicate my feelings and set boundaries regarding his comments without causing unnecessary tension in our relationship.
— Mid-Size Problem
DEAR MID-SIZE PROBLEM: I’m sure that my recommendations are a lot easier for me to say than for you to execute, but hear me out.
Your boyfriend is being insensitive, and you have to tell him. Because he is picking at an area of extreme sensitivity for you, it is understandable that you hesitate to bring it up, but it is necessary for your self-esteem and for the future of your relationship that you address his comments.
Tell your boyfriend you need to have a serious conversation with him. Sit down and acknowledge that it bothers you when he makes comments about your weight.
You know what you weigh and what your body is like. You do not need or appreciate him reminding you. Ask him to stop.
You can elaborate by telling him whatever you are doing to support your health. You can tell him specific things that you would like him to do to support you toward that goal. Be crystal clear about your boundaries regarding his “subtle” commentary.
DEAR HARRIETTE: As an aspiring writer, I often wonder how one truly finds their voice in writing.
I had a shaky childhood where I was exposed to alcohol and drug abuse, parental cheating issues and overall poverty. I am in a better place now, but every now and then, when the topic of the past is being discussed, I find myself crying randomly.
Do writers need to be completely transparent about their own personal stories? I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to do that.
— Aspiring Writer
DEAR ASPIRING WRITER: To become an excellent writer, you must learn how to tell stories in vivid detail that are founded on facts and context. You do not have to share everything you write with the public, though.
You may want to start writing a journal where you explore your past and how you feel about certain things that occurred as you were growing up. Give yourself permission to go deep into those stories. Be as honest and forthright as you can so that you get to the core of your truth. Password-protect your stories so that they are safe from unwelcome eyes.
Those precious stories can remain private or be shared at some point in the future. What you will gain by writing them down now is practice at accessing the truth. You can use that same probing to write about anything, fact or fiction.
Work hard to find the words to get to the core of a topic. Do whatever research is necessary to provide full context for the subject and search for words and phrases that bring the subject to life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.